Saturday, May 1, 2010

The "Not Blogging For Long" ITCH

Its been a while since I posted anything on my blog. I usually pen down or rather type down my random whimsical thoughts and save them as drafts to be polished, refined and if passed muster to be published. Mostly very few reach the final stage. This one barely did. Why this beating around the bush? Lets come to the point.

See, my friends tell that I am a walking Wikipedia (pardon the bragging). Not that I am. Just that I am a fast googler. I am master of only one trade i.e the trade of being the jack of all trades. So I thought "Why not spread the wisdom and make the world a better place?". Ok! That statement was an overkill. Never mind. So here I present to the wannabes a compendium of tips, tricks and shortcuts, to be imbibed into any idiosyncratic group. Any except one, which I will mention towards the end.

1) The History Mob? No problemo amigo. Know about some Russian and German cities. And do remember that Hitler was a bad guy and Gandhi was as holy as Jesus. The trick is to call only the losers as bad guys and you will be immediately at home.

2) The EPL soccer junkie? Again a walk in the park. You just need  a good database of swear words and a knack for permuting and combining these words to arrive at insane compound cuss words. Practice is the key. Also you should be able to pull numbers and statistics out of thin air and should be able to say with ease things like, "Yeah dude(use of this word is a must) Ronaldo should have been bought for 200mn f!@#ing euros and not for 300mn f!^%ing euros" . A knowledge of Spanish is a plus, which helps you pronounce easily those uncanny Latin American names. Oh! Also, be sure to buy some over priced original club T-shirt for 3000 rupees while you can buy the same in Tirupur for 200 bucks. Or atleast buy it in Tirupur and claim it to be original. I do that only :) (Company secret. Don't reveal!)
Paraphernalia:Hair gel and low rise jeans

3) Then comes the Sitcoms&Hollywood mob: Previously the fad for educated South Indians was Bollywood, but thanks to peer-peer networks, crappier by the day Akshay Kumar movies and advent of the internet its Hollywood and English sitcoms now. Though it seems hard, all you need to know are 3 words - just three words. They are:
You are through. This works every time like magic. Just say this mantra whenever you are in trouble spicing it up with the occasional Aniston, Phoebe etc., and so soon they will think you are one amongst them.

Paraphernalia: An external hard disk with at least 250GB memory

4) The nerd mafia As intelligent as they may seem, they are the easiest of the lot to handle.
* Start a blog which no one can read without the help of a dictionary
* Be a linux user (or pretend to be one) and chant "Richard Stallman is GOD".
* Say Microsoft is evil
* Claim yourself to be a Apple fanboy. Say that their latest ianything is the coolest gadget on planet.
* Wear a black T-shirt 
* Nerds think they are cool. So cater to this pride.
* Last but not least, always take pride in saying I'M A NERD. That's it. Pass. Easy, no?

5) Social networking mob:  This newly evolved species is broadly classified into two:

* The dumb Facebook subspecies - If it's a girl, comment in one of her photos, "Awww! So cute you are in this picture..lolz(mandatory)". If a boy, say that the last link he shared about the global financial crisis was very informative and that you learnt more from that than from Wikipedia. In short, I am asking you to lie. Case closed. If possible include a display picture with shades and bling, though some may think you are blind. Use with caution.

* The intelligent Twitter subspecies - Get a good joke book or get a smart brain or better leave twitter.

So there you go fellas. I have shared all the tricks of the trade and from now on, hopefully, all you idiots wont be one trick ponies anymore and I wont have the guilty feeling that I have not blogged for a month. Almost forgot. Finally ,

My biggest nemesis - the POP MUZIK syndicate. My efforts to breach the walls of this gang has so far been BANG! Though all the above fore mentioned mafias have their own holier than thou air about them in their own way, this one's holier-than-thou-ness is one of the worst. I was once almost dumped from a group for answering the question, "Your favorite guitarist?" as "Ilayaraja". These people start talking about  Gilmour, Lennon, Led Zeppelin and other weirdos and I go "Meh.." - like a turkey on thanksgiving, like a Jew in Auschwitz.

I have decided to overcome this shortcoming by listening to Metallica and Pink Floyd recently. Is that the way to go? If yes, give me a list of late-to-barber-shop-by-a-year hippies whom I have to listen to. Is there a secret ingredient? Or should I go old school - country music/jazz - like Johnny Tillotson/Louis Armstrong? Or are there any shortcuts like a list of  incantatory words which when repeated would earn me the honor of a headbanger and a kewl rock fan? I am in dire needs and I need your inputs on that. I will be posting more about my flirtations with psychedelic rock in future. Bye, till my sense of not-blogging-for-long guilt catches up with me again.


  1. kewl post dude!

    for the pop-corn syndrome try using justin beiber in ur tweets and u can pass with A+ I say!

    BTW I still don get y people see twitter as a
    bra-iny workshop! hmmm!!!

  2. and change ur "About me" to "About the Author" +
    remove word verification for comments plz!

  3. @sam: Done!! Aama enga ponaalum justin bieber. kadupaa irukku.

  4. hee hee :) :) so cute u r in this pic santa ! LOLZ !! :D :D

    good one !!

  5. @Nandy: OMG! Are u suggesting I am a girl?!?! :(

  6. Sandy has posted 5 of his faces in here :-D there is yet that 6th face, that of SAMIYAR :-P Beware ppl of that face ;-)


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