NEWSense (9/5/2010)

I was thinking long and hard. "Why are you starting this post with such a boring line?" you may inquire. So I refrain from thinking long and hard and instead move on. I have decided the only way to periodically update my posts is well hmmm., have a periodic series of posts presented in a... Never mind. The creative part of my brain is on an  indefinite strike. When you have just seen an emotional, lachrymose newsreel in an overwhelmingly Vikraman-ish Indian TV channel, you can have that sort of hangover you know. For the uninitiated, Vikraman is a highly skilled auteur in the Tamil cine industry capable of making even hardened souls like Auto Sankar and Ted Bundy cry Mummy!, with his revolutionary LaaLaa-bies - a contemporary Bollywood equivalent would be Karan Johar.

So for people bored of Burkha Dutt, Arnab Please-Go-Swami and the numerous lame ass anchors, I present  NEWSense - a fortnightly news update presented through Santa's highly tainted, prejudiced, cynical, fatuous, < insert GRE word 1>, < insert GRE word 2>  perspective.


Warning: This ain't breaking news, its making news.

"Sachin joins Twitter" - Easily the hottest news of this week. So hot that Greenpeace accused Sachin for Global warming. So hot that even the print media did not report it the next day for fear that their newspapers may catch fire (warned you before that the creative part of our brains were dead). That hot.

Our reporters say that, Dick Costello (Yeah, that poor guy was named after one of his co-founders :-D ) the COO of twitter was overheard telling one of his colleagues, "Now we own these Indians, totally" doing a high five in the process. CEO Evan Williams said that it was exciting that even Hindu gods have taken to tweeting. When reminded that Sachin was just a cricketer, he laughed it off and quipped "Tell that to the Indians"

"Millions of Indians join twitter too" - Well, if you had read about the Piped Piper you don't need any further info. Our gossips specialist Gilmanandha  took in the following conversation between two IT professionals in a food court(Don't worry if cant read Tamil. You are not missing much) ,

Guy1: Athu enna shutter oh butter oh nu onnu pudhusaa vanthirukaamae, orkut maathiri? Sachin kooda join panni irukkaaraamae?

Guy2: Dei athu twitter da

Guy1: Etho elavu. Photos upload panalaamaa?

Guy2: No

Guy1: Videos?

Guy2: Unghoom (shakes head horizontally)

Guy1: Chatting?

Guy2: Chattingum kedayaathu! Datingum kedayaathu!

Guy1: Appo vijay padam maathirinu sollu. Complete waste

Guy2: Dei appadi illa. Athula join panaa Sachin eppo thoonguraaruuu, eppo pal theikuraaruuu, enna saapiduraaruuu ( pause after every ...uuu) ithelaam therinjukalaam da. Very informative you know.

Guy1: Vellakaaran moolaye moola da. Eppudilaam kandu pudikuraanuga paathiyaa? Kandipaa join panraen da. Itha vutta namakku vera enna periya vela irukka poguthu?

"Russians celebrate their historic victory over Germany in World War-II"- If you had managed to pass your high school history papers you would have known that Stalin defeated Hitler this week some 65 years ago. No schmucks! Not in X-Box. In real battle. Let me rephrase. Russians kicked the hell out of the Germans when they had a disagreement over which was better- beer/ vodka. And vodka won. Understood?  "Beer any day" says our Chief Editor Santanandhaa a.k.a Santa. 
 

In another surprising development the Cheap Minister of Tamil Nadu Mr.Karunanidhi congratulated Russia in a historic Semmozhi press conference. He also added that Stalin -the younger son of his eldest wife - should be made the mayor of Moscow since he had helped the Russians win the war. Wait. What? (If you have any doubts take a look at the picture and spot six differences. We bet you cant) He further stated that TASMAC brandy was way better than German Beer/Russian Vodka, a statement he later retracted owing to severe backlash from beer loving young men like our editor. 

"West Indies Cricket Board colludes with Major League Baseball" - Our sports correspondent Normal Sekhar reports from some weird Caribbean island called Bar"badass",

"We as cricket fans know what cricket is. Cricket is a game which is played in a stadium where the MRF blimp hovers, which we also know is at the forefront of technology. But shockingly, when I attempted to find the BLIMP in this godforsaken place, all I found was the local balloonwalah selling some shoddy inflatables. My sources tell me that this is an attempt by the imperialist regime of the USofA and Major League Baseball to stymie the growth of cricket by disguising baseball with cheerleaders and passing it off as cricket. I can assure you that this notion has fallen, face flat. We Indians want our blimp & cricket back - clear and loud"

"More WCT2O" - The Indian team has hired world renowned meteorologist Mr.Ramanan to predict the whimsical visitations of Lord Varuna, whom we have learned is a huge fan of cricket in the Caribbean. IBM has also designed a new Supercomputer to aid Dhoni in his complex Dockworth-Lewis calculations. Our fellow reporters in cricinfo think that cricket helps you crack tough entrance exams like CAT, which we think is correct. In more worrying news, we hear that Yuvraj Singh is injured and is out of the T20 squad.  Captain Dhoni said,

"Its a severe  loss to the team's body mass. Two sumo wrestlers from Japan have been named as his replacements to maintain the status quo that we are indeed the heavyweights of this tournament"   

"Gordon Brown wins the British elections" - Haha! If you believed that then you are not only a April fool but a year long fool. We at NEWSense are awesome pranksters no?

"Indian parliament makes history" - India created history today by becoming the only nation in world democracy to have all it's question hour and discussion sessions of it's Parliament postponed. Opposition MPs were cribbing about the lack of western toilets in their lavatories and marched towards the LS speaker demanding that their loo maintenance be outsourced. Another set of MPs postulated that Mr.Raja , the telecom minister, knew nothing about spectrum and that he should resign. Mr.Raja retorted that he knew more about spectrum than anyone else. He recited the VIBGYOR acronym and went to blabber about his high school physics experiments with prisms and light.

That is all the news we at NEWSense managed to make this fortnight. Maybe if the editor-in-chief Santanandhaa manages to find time from his busy, hectic schedule, we will keep publishing.

P.S. I am a total teetotaler and refrain from alcohol, meat, cigars, pot, girls and all things worth enjoying in life. The reference that I am a beer lover is only to make reading interesting.
 
P.P.S: The P.S. is required since my mom has become more of an inquisitive web surfer nowadays :)